"I wonder what it would be like not to have an eating disordered mind?
What would I do with my time??" -
Xx_Ames_xXI know what I would do.
I would drive fast down the highway in my ghetto car (the kind where you have to hit the gas gauge to make it display correctly), blasting music with the windows down. I wouldn't care when the wind messed up my hair.
I would spend time with my family. I'd play "The Zombie Game" and "Base to Base" with my little siblings and their friends, and I'd chase the dog around the house until my legs were jello and I'd worked up an appetite. Then I would eat an enormous slice of watermelon and drink a huge glass of lemonade. It would taste so good.
I would climb a water tower, jump out of a plane, swim naked in the lake and love the feeling of the sun on my skin, get some more piercings, write a book. I would make more mix CDs, visit Portland Maine, and talk to people who are where I once was. I wouldn't have time to obsess over food, because I would be so busy enjoying life.
I realize now that I'm closer to recovery than I thought. The part of me that wants to lose weight is still there, but it's slowly being drowned out by the part of me that just wants to
live.
Recovery is not a treadmill. There is an end, even if you can't see it. It won't always be this hard, and you won't always have to fight this. Someday starvation's grip on you will loosen, and you'll wonder how it held you for so long. You will laugh in its face.
What will you do when you no longer have an eating disordered mind?
Comments (10)
you are the best. you have no idea how encouraging you ALWAYS are. it's so incredibly refreshing to read what you write. the xanga (and real) world needs more girls like you.
Hm...
Fall in love. Become uninhibited by irrational fears concerning my looks, my speech, my soul, my point of view. Become confident. Speak with certainty and assertiveness. Laugh more. Experience more.
Live more.
It's so close, and yet...so far. You're right though - it won't go on forever. It will end someday, and the day it does will be the first day I really live my life.
God, I can't wait! <3
Im going to think this over again today . . . I'll be back with a meaningful response later! lol.
What a beautiful post! Wow...
And to answer the question, honestly, I'm not entirely sure what I would do since it's very hard to imagine not having a disordered mind at all but...
I know for sure that I would actively try to meet Mr. Right and fall in love. I would get my passport and travel all over the world. I would accept nanny/au pair positions with people from all over, not just the U.S., and I wouldn't be afraid to eat with those families or to consider refusing positions that didn't have a gym membership or home gym.
I would get more involved in whatever church I was attending; not just show up on Sunday morning, but participate in small groups, singles programs, etc.
I would systematically visit every one of the girls I've gotten to really "know" Xanga, however many months or years it took me to do that.
That's all I can think of at the moment; mostly, like you said, I would be out living life. And enjoying it as much as I possibly could.
I'd be a better girlfriend. More confident. More shining. Better, nicer.
I;d be a better person.
<3
thank you (:
Thank you. That's all I can say.
God Bless~*
<3
thanks. you're so right.
(this post is so inspiring. i can't wait for the day that i don't have eating-disordered thoughts)take care :)
What a nice post. Thank you for the nice comment on my blog. To answer your question, I would just enjoy my life and my family and be happy and content. Take care. Kim
i was actually thinking about this the other day the same day you were and i cant see myself in any other mind set four years of conditioning my brain to think about food every minute im awake from the time i go to sleep when i eat im telling myself why the fuck are you eating you weak peice of crap but the people with me have no idea they just see me eating as fast as i can hoping if i dont chew well it wont digest well... theres so much no one knows...i cant ever think of thinking differently