You know what? Screw it. I'm tired of fighting this. I'm done with recovery. I appreciate everyone who has been so supportive of me all this time, but I'm done. I'm going to stop eating again; I'm going to begin a liquid fast for the next few days, or as much as I can get away with it. The toughest part will be making sure my family and my boyfriend don't catch on, but frankly, I don't care.
If you were bothered in some way by the completely fabricated paragraph above, you're not alone. (Don't freak out; I'm not giving up, I was just making a point.) I've found that we are much more comfortable inflicting pain on ourselves than we are seeing others in pain. That's why someone can starve herself and still feel a pang when she sees someone else doing it; that's why someone can have no desire to keep fighting, but still hate to see anyone else to quit.
A year or two ago, I had the following conversation with my counselor, Rachel:
Rachel: "Would it bother you if someone you loved began self-injuring?"
Me: "Well, yeah."
Rachel: "There's your problem."
It took me a minute to realize that she was saying that I didn't love myself, and that if I did, I would have a problem with my self-destructive habits.
Do you love yourself? How would you feel if the person you love most did to themselves what you do to yourself? Would you be okay with it?
Comments (13)
Look in the mirror and see trough your own eyes.
Just see trough.
Real beauty is in the mind.
And we do crazy things, even if we love ourselfs.
Believe me, I do.
It's a crazy world.
You are terrible! I was just about to chew you a new asshole for quitting!
*kisses*
Be good girl.
*punches wall*
hahahaha.
Hm. Do I love myself?
I...I honestly don't know. How do you define "love yourself?" I know this is a sad question because all the time we talk about "hating" ourselves, but really...I don't believe I've -felt- love for myself. I don't know if I could even define it. I've been at peace with myself before. I've been happy with myself before. I've been impressed with myself before. But have I actually ever felt "love" for myself?...I don't believe so. Self-preservation, possibly, but no inkling of love.
I would be extremely upset if someone I loved hurt themself the way I hurt myself. I don't know what I would do...
Your posts always make me think. They always, always have a point to make, and they ALWAYS have something to take away. Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for opening my eyes on a daily basis. You're truly one in a million.
Take care, and keep floating on.
That's one hell of an entry. You scared me there for a minute. I've kind of been on both sides of the issue and I can honestly say that it's not until you see someone you care about as messed up as you were that you can really get why this is so wrong. but my situation was a bit different.
wow, what a psych-out!
.
.
.
and, yes, there's my problem right there. it's so easy to read those words and leap to try to stop someone else... but when they're ricocheting around in your own brain, that protective mechanism somehow doesn't kick in.
great post.
xx licia
thats such a perfect explanation
that could also explain why drugs/alcohol and eating disorders fit hand in hand, because we dont care what were doing to our body, we don't love our body. at least i dont hah :/
but hey, hang in there. there's a world out there without counting, and remeasuring, and weighing, and it's up to you to discover it. cheesyyy but really, no one but yourself can make the decision to get better. you have to want it !
good luck with everything :)
oh no that's a great list! thanks so much! :)
i love a lot of those.(your counselor puts that in an interesting perspective, too.)
well put, it is hard to see someone else in pain. I'm glad you're not giving up, I was really surprised/concerned when I read the first paragraph. :)
I knew you didn't mean that first paragraph;)
That's a really difficult question to answer, but I guess I would have to say that I don't think I've ever loved myself. Like just_a_fallen_rose_petal said, I don't think I even know what that would feel like/be like. I know I have, at times, been content with myself, or happy or even proud of myself, but as for loving myself...nah. I don't think so.
And as for what I would do if someone close to me was into the same stuff, well, I'd freak out. That's happened before actually (since most of my friends are female, and eating disorders affect so many young ladies, it was bound to happen to at least a few of them), and it tears me up. Because I've been there, and I know what it's like, and I know how easy it is to get sucked into it.
Great post! Thanks for giving me something to chew on (no pun intended, given the subject matter) for the next few days.
Wow, what a post! Very inspiring and i'm very proud of you to keep on fighting against this 'war'.
I never realised why i hated my dad smoking cigarettes, and i didn't mind if smoked. I guess your post makes it all clear why.
Thanks for the comment dear. It means alot to me.
Take care x
I have a situation JUST like that. My best friend has anorexia, too... I attribute some of my feelings to jealousy of her accomplishment, which is terrible but just human nature, but it also makes me SO sad and worried. But I dont care what happens to me. I guess her and I both feel that way.
it is to me.
@xxbabyjen_babybrittxx - you're such a sweetheart. ;) thank you for caring.
@Xx_just_a_fallen_rose_petal_xX - I hope that you learn to love yourself, because I've come to love you by reading your words and seeing what an amazing person you are.
@starvingsolvesmyproblems - "that could also explain why drugs/alcohol
and eating disorders fit hand in hand" -- exactly.
everyone: thank you for your kind words. anything good that comes out of my words comes from God.