“Another October has come. I am nineteen[...] Yet, I am in the same place I four years ago. [...] When will I let go? When will stop fighting to keep what is killing me? When?” -thellamatruth Who
doesn't identify with Alanna here? Years go by, and we look back with discouragement because so much time has passed and we seem to have so little to show for it. We're fighting the same old struggles, the ones that we thought would be long gone by now.
Last October, two days before Halloween, a dear friend of mine killed himself. I can't express how much regret and sadness I feel when I think about him, and about the things that happened almost exactly a year ago (but might as well have been just yesterday).
This entire month has been especially hard for me. I feel like the darkness of this time last year has swung around again and I'm in the exact same place. So much for time healing all wounds, right? How can I make it so far and feel like I haven't gone anywhere at all?
I struggle daily with my old demons--the temptation to skip a meal and worship the mirror. The temptation to search my entire house for a razor blade. The temptation to ignore God and try to do it on my own. The temptation to shut myself out, to give up, to take pills, to give in. I think that I'm over it for good and then it all comes back.
I know, though, that I am more than this. No matter how hard it may be to shake those demons, it just matters that I'm still fighting. God isn't ever going to give up on me or decide that I've returned to my vomit one too many times. It may seem like regression, but each time these battles hit, I'm getting a little bit stronger.
I have always pictured my life as a spiral staircase. I have to
remember that even though I seem to be coming back to the same place
over and over, it's all leading up. I may struggle with these things for the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean I've failed; it just means that my staircase is a beautiful spiral. I'm still climbing. I'm still going somewhere.
What is it that you can't seem to beat?
Could it be that, though you seem to be going in circles, it's all leading up?
Comments (14)
good luck w/ everything, and i hope things get better :).
awww, i love every single one of your updates. very very much.
it seems like just cold weather it's self is a trigger for me to not eat. just drink tea and tea and hot water and more hot water and then maybe have lettuce. it's hard. but then i just eat on my little schedule. scheduled times help me.
but. on a different note,
I can't seem to beat my mothers negative and critical attitude. It's hard to remember that sometimes maybe should just ignore her words, and she's not trying to be hurtful intentionally.
i dunno.
your positive outlook is uplifting.
your posts are always eloquent and I thoroughly enjoy reading all of them.
I'm glad you are continuing to fight and that you are moving forward.
<3
and I'm sorry about your friend. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be for you. you will be in my thoughts.
You are an inspiration to me.
I am so honored to be quoted in this. It such an inspirational post and just what I needed to hear tonight. THANK YOU
it is to me.
but i just love spiral staircases.
they are so infinite, and endless almost.
@samsaysno - thanks. that means a lot to me.
@chandlestickjones - something that helps me sometimes is to let the cold weather motivate me to get something hot, like Chick-Fil-A soup (if you've never had it, try it; it's cheap and delicious and hot). Hot apple cider or hot chocolate are nice complements to any meal.
on a separate note: I'm sorry about your mother. I think parents don't realize how deep their words sink sometimes. have you tried telling her, very gently but honestly, that her words hurt you? she might not have any idea and might really appreciate hearing it.
@chasing_happiness_0701 - thanks, laura. you are so encouraging; I needed to hear that.
@Xx_just_a_fallen_rose_petal_xX - as are you to me, I assure you.
@thellamatruth - no, thank YOU, for letting me use the quote! it actually inspired the entire post, so I really owe you one for that.
@litteldancer - like life should be. :)
hope you are well. i have returned to the xanga world, i have things to get off my shoulders and this is a nice outlet.
keep in touch!
xx
A beautiful thought, but I certainly hope there is an eventual end to the staircase. :)
the staircase analogy is wonderful. but as above, i hope that someday you'll reach the top, and that we all will in fact.
wow...i feel hope after reading your analogy about the spiral staircase. i feel like i'm going in circles, but only because i'm not outside of time, so I can't see the progress stretched out like god can. beautiful.
Your insight to recovery is so admirable. I read your posts often, but feel at a loss for words because my ED voice tells me not to believe your true words. I, however, do believe your words. Your posts are inspirational, rational and beautifully written. You seem to reach so many people, but I hope you are continuing to help yourself as well.
Thank you for your comment and support. Keep that head up.
<3 Britt
okay, i really liked what you said about the spiral staircase. it's deep, honestly.
i like your mind. a lot.
hey! thanks for the comment
I have already seen that article, but if someone bans something such at hate crimes it doesn't mean it's going to stop anything. just like hate crimes towards people of different race, or groups against blacks like the kkk or things that go on university campus with hate crimes.
on another note, you have a good writing style, i really liked your post.