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Tuesday, 06 January 2009

Sophie - Eleanor McEvoy

Sophie cannot finish her dinner
says she's eaten enough
Sophies trying to make herself thinner
says she's eating too much
and her brother says "you're joking"
and her mother's heart is broken
Sophie has a hard time coping
and, besides, Sophie's hoping

she can be like all the other girls
be just like all the other girls
living in an ordinary world
just to fit in, in the ordinary world
just to fit in like an ordinary girl

Sophie's losing weight by the minute
How did things get this bad
Sophie's family don't understand it
Gave her all that they had
And her sister wont stop crying
'cause her father says she's dying
Sophie says shes really trying
Problem is, Sophie's lying

How did she get this way
How did she get this way
Through trying to hide it
What does it take to say
What does it take to say
She's dying, Sophie's dying

Click here to listen to "Sophie"

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Currently
The Dawn of Grace
By Sixpence None the Richer
Christmas Island
see related
That Girl Has Love

Those of you who are friends with me on Facebook already know the good news, but I can't resist sharing it here as well: as of December 2nd, I am engaged! The date is either June 13th or 20th, depending on which church we end up going with. I'm really excited.

The day after Alan proposed, I went to get my nails done at the mall, something I have only done once before in my life, and then only by accident (long story - she didn't speak very good English and there was some definite miscommunication there). But I decided to go for it since a lot of people will be looking at my hands.

Something I find interesting about beauty salons is that they are not shy about pointing out your perceived flaws. The woman doing my nails, for example, asked if I would like her to also do my eyebrows. I wasn't surprised, since cultural norms dictate that my eyebrows are too thick:

Whereas a quick google search for "perfect eyebrows" reveals that they "should" look like this:

Over the years, however, I have formed my own opinion about my eyebrows: that they remind me of my Hispanic heritage; that it's nice to be able to make them any shape I want and not have to pencil anything in; that they're kind of cool; that they're just eyebrows and people can get over it. Thus, I'm not really self-conscious about them, and something that might otherwise have hurt my feelings (the manicurist offering to "fix" something about me) rolled right off my back. And yes, I turned her down.

What parts of yourself have you come to accept or even love, despite what the culture says is beautiful? What parts of yourself could you come to accept or love?

Sunday, 16 November 2008

Currently
The Broken String
By Bishop Allen
Rain
see related
Before and After

The picture on the left is my sister Bee in August of 2007. The picture on the right is her this past May. Thankfully, she is almost back up to her original weight now. It makes me sad to look at old pictures, though.

"All change is not growth; all movement is not forward."
~Ellen Glasgo

Sunday, 02 November 2008

Currently Listening
Songs from an American Movie, Vol. 2: Good Time for a Bad Attitude
By Everclear
Brown Eyed Girl
see related
The New Racism

People love to hate racism; it's almost trendy. We're quick to identify it in others and attack it with self-righteous fury. We even spot it where it doesn't actually exist.
Our basis for hating it? It's ignorant. The color of someone's skin is not important; we can see past that. People are people, and we are far too open-minded to make little of someone's humanity just because they don't look quite like us.

But maybe we're not as enlightened as we think we are. Maybe we've just redirected our dislike for those who are unlike us, and maybe this new direction is more socially acceptable.

I'm speaking, of course, about fat people. This post was actually prompted by a "fatspo" post, complete with comments like this:

"omg, theyre all so discustingly fat and ugly!! UGH!! I will never be that"
"my fostermother is 300 pounds!!! GROSSNESS"
"Ewwwww! I can't believe these ppl would even let their pic be taken!"
"dunno how they can look even proud of their bodies, aaagh!!"
"I puked. Alot."

Oh yes, I forgot that it's okay to say things like that about fellow humans as long as they're overweight.
I'm not trying to be down on the person who posted that; she was just trying to find an innovative way to motivate people. But really, this is no different than racism. It's stripping someone down to less than human because they don't look like us, or because we find them unattractive. It's deciding that someone is worth nothing unless they meet your arbitrary standards for beauty. It's putting yourself above an entire class of people. It's saying things that make people cry, that shatter self-esteems, that will haunt people for the rest of their lives.

Prejudice begins the instant we think that we are better than somebody else.

Monday, 27 October 2008

All Leading Up

“Another October has come. I am nineteen[...] Yet, I am in the same place I four years ago. [...] When will I let go? When will stop fighting to keep what is killing me? When?” -thellamatruth

Who doesn't identify with Alanna here? Years go by, and we look back with discouragement because so much time has passed and we seem to have so little to show for it. We're fighting the same old struggles, the ones that we thought would be long gone by now.

Last October, two days before Halloween, a dear friend of mine killed himself. I can't express how much regret and sadness I feel when I think about him, and about the things that happened almost exactly a year ago (but might as well have been just yesterday).
This entire month has been especially hard for me. I feel like the darkness of this time last year has swung around again and I'm in the exact same place. So much for time healing all wounds, right? How can I make it so far and feel like I haven't gone anywhere at all?

I struggle daily with my old demons--the temptation to skip a meal and worship the mirror. The temptation to search my entire house for a razor blade. The temptation to ignore God and try to do it on my own. The temptation to shut myself out, to give up, to take pills, to give in. I think that I'm over it for good and then it all comes back.

I know, though, that I am more than this. No matter how hard it may be to shake those demons, it just matters that I'm still fighting. God isn't ever going to give up on me or decide that I've returned to my vomit one too many times. It may seem like regression, but each time these battles hit, I'm getting a little bit stronger.

I have always pictured my life as a spiral staircase. I have to remember that even though I seem to be coming back to the same place over and over, it's all leading up. I may struggle with these things for the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean I've failed; it just means that my staircase is a beautiful spiral. I'm still climbing. I'm still going somewhere.

What is it that you can't seem to beat?
Could it be that, though you seem to be going in circles, it's all leading up?